Really?

Sigh.

I sit here on a Saturday morning by myself. Today I will need to sort out my study once and for all. Is it holding me back from stuff I need to do? Maybe. But that's the excuse I have been giving myself. It's always one excuse or another, isn't it? What is with my fear of success? Why can't I just take FULL control of my life, instead of letting my fate rest in the hands of everyone else, or even in my own failings?

I am lazy. I am spoilt. I think I know hardship and suffered in my life. Have I? I don't think so anymore. Too long have I been comfortable. I have sat on my butt my whole life, expecting life to give me the chances and rewards it has given my parents. For some strange reason I seem to think I can and will lead the lifestlye they have been living, simply because that is the way things turn out. WTF is up with that attitude?

I say I want to be successful. But have I truly done EVERYTHING I can to make that happen? No. No, I have not. And I am running out of time. Running out of time to prove myself to anyone that ONCE had an inkling of faith in me. Running out of time to prove myself to myself.

I am tired of rolling with the punches. I am tired of letting my fate get decided. I am tired of getting whipped.

Yes, things will happen that are completely out of my control. I cannot make you, or anyone else, believe in me, or like me, or trust me, or even love me. Yes, those are things I would like to happen. But I cannot force it. If I don't get it, will I be upset? Yes. Yes, I definitely will. But I will move on. Perhaps find and surround myself with people that can and will do all the above. Must I leave or cut off ALL connection with the past? That I cannot and will not do. And because of that, I will suffer.

it creeps..

The darkness slips in unannounced.

Hiding in corners waiting to pounce.

It's potential evil, lurking inside,

Waiting for your weakness, opened wide.

Yet it strikes without sound, impact or emotion.

Leaving nary a scar, nor fuss or commotion.

Yet the effects are long felt, they won't dissappear fast.

It'll corrode away at your soul, turn your iron will to rust.

Do you turn away in silence, and just let things be?

For how do you fight an enemy you simply can't see?

You can't.

hello? anyone still out there?

Holy crap.

the last entry talked about not posting for 6 months.

It has been nearly 3 YEARS since that post.

BUT I think I will be coming back to writing now. Not because I have an overwhelming desire to impress the vast unknown out there with my wit and charm, but because I miss it.

And also, because I think writing, ANY sort of writing, will be good for my creative mind again. It has been hidden away for far too long, a little baby cub learning to hibernate and forgetting to wake up.

At times I feel like just screaming. Screaming because I feel helpless for various reason.

I did not sign up for this. I did not give up what could have been a lucrative career in IT to follow a dream. A dream I had the privilidge of following for about 2 years and did pretty damn well too. A dream that I then gave up in exchange for a paycheck so I wouldn't have to starve and not be able to afford the bus fare to town. I now have no dream, and CAN afford the bus into town, but not much more.

Was it worth it? Beats the shit out of me. I am guessing no.

Alot has happened in the last 3 years. Some I will crow about and proclaim as my greatest achievements for many, many decades to come. Some will embarrass me and haunt me for the rest of my living days, a morbid reminder of how weak I can be, and just how imperfect we all are as humans.

I am writing a song at the moment. Strangely, influenced by the hand that life is dealing me at the moment. And I thought things like this happen only in the movies.

wow.

Oh my goodness. The last entry talked about how I've been awol for such a long period of time. Ok, maybe it didn't talk about it, but I do know I mentioned it. And now, in the blink of an eye, 6 months has gone by since that entry.

Dammit, this is scary.

So how has everyone out there in the cyberworld been? Good? Yes? No?

I've been... busy.

It's been a really interesting year. A new business, multiple romantic interests that eventually led to nowhere(Ok, maybe multiple is stretching it), a new outlook in life and my return to the dancing world.

This post is going to be kept short. Basically, I'm sitting in the clinic waiting for clients cos the early one cancelled at the last minute and I have over two hours to kill until the next one. And the damn shops are closed on Sunday so I can't even pop out to do some shopping. It's moments like this that I really appreciate Facebook and the internet.

Just in case anyone wants to know, I'm doing exceptionally well at CounterStrike in Facebook. Y'know, just in case you were curious as to the current status of my cyber demi-god status. Yes. So there.

Been doing a lot of thinking lately and examining my own issue with my low self esteem. Yes, I know its a common problem, but I will sit here and gripe if I so choose to, ok? Egad. My next issue to tackle might be my inane persistence to prattle on.

But anyhoo. Yes, to cut a long post short, I think I'll be returning to blogging soon. It's quite therapeutic in a way.

See you all soon!

How's it goin', Mate?

Wow. Talk about long periods of being AWOL.

So does absence really make the heart grow fonder?

How many of you, if there are any left, can truly say he/she has missed the wise ramblings of a stupid fool down under?

*ahem* Next.

I just quit the most secure job I've ever held. Well, I handed in my notice. I decided to do the right thing and stick it out for them till the end of the term. I think I'm crazy to quit a job that pays me AUD$30 per hour.

Oooh.

But I can't stand working for them. Ok. Let me be a little more politcally correct. Our ideals and objectives aren't congruent.

Theirs is to make the world a better place to live in.

Mine is to make money.